Iowa Hawkeyes hate week: The most boring football team in the nation

Guys, it’s time to finally break the news to the University of Iowa and their fans — the football team is boring.

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I’m a busy guy, and unfortunately I don’t have the time to just sit on the couch in front of the tube watching 14 hours of college football with a case a beer and Cheetos. When I do get the time, I try to avoid Hawkeyes football like

the plague

any reality show on VH1.

The last time I watched a Hawkeye game from start to finish (that didn’t involve Iowa State) was back in 2011. Sandwiched in between the Cyclones and Texas games was Iowa at Penn State. I figured, what the hell. Can’t be that bad, right?

Well, I probably would have been more entertained watching an Empty Nest marathon. Iowa eventually lost the game 13-3, and clocking in just shy of three hours, I could have sworn three days passed. I know the Hawkeyes and Nittany Lions have their history of nailbiters, but this was just awful.

Right off the top of my head, just three years later I can’t remember a single thing from the game other than it felt like the Hawkeyes didn’t convert a single third down and they couldn’t run the ball, which is all they do. Not many deep passes were accurate.

Sometimes I wonder if Kirk Ferentz just chews gum on the sidelines to stay awake. This team is as stale as that gum by the fourth quarter. How can anyone get excited for this crap each week?

Sorry, Hawkeyes, but the combination of being incredibly boring and going 28-88 all-time against the top two teams in the conference is why the nation doesn’t care about them.

Run the ball! Run it again! Maybe pass! Oh, that pass looked bad downfield. Ooh, look at the strong defense! Big Ten football, this is where the men play! GOOOOOOD FOOTBALL!!

No matter what adjective comes before football, it all pales in comparison to one word: boring. It’s so hard to watch. And each week just sounds boring when they’re playing against teams like Northwestern, Indiana, Illinois, Purdue, now Rutgers. Blech. Even last week they somehow managed to make a very unentertaining game against Ball State even worse than it looked on paper.

What Iowa fans don’t understand is that nationally, when people bring up the Big Ten, they think of three things: Ohio State-Michigan rivalry, Penn State [scandal], and Wisconsin’s fans dancing before the fourth quarter. When Hawkeye fans have the delusion almost every year that they’re a national title contender, they don’t understand that when they did beat up on Penn State, ESPN was calling it an upset.

Sorry, Hawkeyes, but the combination of being incredibly boring and going 28-88-7 all-time against the top two teams in the conference (Buckeyes and Wolverines) is why the nation doesn’t care about them. Even when the team had the cojones to play Nebraska at the turn of the millenium, they were trucked 84-20 in back-to-back laughers. But enjoy those January exhibition victories — well, when they happened.

Even worse is this boring style of football attracts the worst fans. I’ll be surprised if any Hawkeye fan gets to this part of the column before scrolling down to the bottom of the page, creating a fake account, and throwing up something like “LOLZ IOWA STATE FOOTBALL NERD TALKING **** ABOUT HAWKS. GOD YOU’RE TEAMS BEEN ***** SINCE FOREVER” and then they’ll throw out numbers.

November 23, 2012; Iowa City, IA, USA; Iowa Hawkeye cornerback Anthony Hitchens (31) tackles Nebraska Cornhuskers tight end Ben Cotton (81) at Kinnick Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Reese Strickland-USA TODAY Sports

It’s because Hawkeye fans take things personally and can’t handle the same garbage they yap. When camp started this season a bunch of Hawk fans actually thought Iowa State’s use of Iowa gear meant that the Cyclones were looking ahead to them. Really. So I made fun of them because they really thought this.

Of course, some fans were defensive and went on Twitter to complain, which was funny because they didn’t understand the purpose of the article to begin with.

How conceited can someone be? Multiple fans linked Hawkeye gear to “OMG IT REALLY IS REDBIRDS SUPER BOWL LOLZ 1-11 BUT IF THEY BEAT IOWA SUCCESS”. It’s similar to the mindset of dude that think’s he’s getting lucky at the bar because a girl finally uttered a sentence to him.

Every fanbase has their dark abyss — that includes Iowa State — but if you had to take a poll on what fans suck the most in Iowa, you’ll get two teams: Minnesota Vikings and Iowa Hawkeyes. It’s because they talk a lot of crap when they’ve won as many national championships as Iowa State football: zero (Remember, fans, 1958 is a claimed national title and is disputed).

I shouldn’t have to explain it though. Any fanbase that makes one of their own basketball players tell his own fans to “suck a fat one” is self-explanatory. I’m sure the basketball team prefers to play average or worse; that’s when the fans don’t even recognize they exist.

Now here’s a test: For those that either felt offended, I’d suggest just closing the laptop/turning off the phone and take 10 deep breaths. For those that want to retaliate and say how terrible Iowa State is, go for it. It is hate week, after all!

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